Collaborative Divorce

The Collaborative Approach to Divorce is a mutually respectful, cooperative and constructive way to terminate and dissolve a marriage. It is for couples who do not want to fight, who are willing to negotiate and make compromises and who wish to end their marriage in a dignified and respectful way. But before considering the Collaborative Approach to divorce, consider the approach that is far more common and typical: the Adversarial Approach.

In the traditional Adversarial Divorce, conflict issues often become more complex as the legal and court process shifts the conflict from one that is personal and private to one that is sometimes humiliating and impersonal as it becomes publicly argued in court.

In the Adversarial Divorce:

• The parties surrender their control to other professionals and the process becomes exceedingly expensive, complex and extended in time.

• The conflict between the two parties intensifies as the court and legal process progresses and unfolds.

• The opposing and confrontational nature of legal proceedings minimizes any possibility for negotiation and compromise and reinforces the need to “win” at any cost.

• “Winning” at any cost often inflicts humiliating psychological injuries to the surviving spouse and sometimes the child, burdening future post-divorce collaborations that might otherwise benefit the parent-child relationship.

In the Adversarial Divorce, complexity and cost increase by the necessity of funding the costs of other professionals:

• Attorneys for each party
• Attorneys Amicus (to advise and represent the court)
• Attorneys ad Litem (to represent the wishes and interests of the child)
• Social workers to perform social studies and to write lengthy recommendations for custody
• Mental health experts to assess the emotional impact of the divorce on the children
• A judge and possibly a jury to hear and decide the petition and the claims of each party

In the Collaborative Approach:

In the Collaborative Approach a divorcing couple receives guidance and assistance from two skilled and experienced professionals: a licensed attorney and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

• The attorney advises the couple on the relevant points of law that relate to division of property, distribution of assets, child support and alimony payments and the provisions of the law that affect child custody and visitation schedules and which also define the rights, privileges and entitlements of the parents.
• The marriage and family therapist advises the couple on how to inform their children that they are getting a divorce, how to talk to them and prepare them for the divorce and how to help them express their feelings about the divorce and the uncertainties that come with it. Divorcing couples also learn the importance of the co-parenting relationship as a way of setting important emotional boundaries in their (co-parenting) relationship after the divorce and as a way of reassuring the child of their parents ongoing commitment to them.
• In cases that involve complex security and financial holdings, a financial and tax consultant may be called in to advise and recommend tax-saving strategies and other equitable ways of distributing property and community property assets.

Since the goal of the collaboration is that the couple will share responsibility of terminating the marriage, both are encouraged, in the spirit of mutual respect, to follow the legal and mental health recommendations of their advisors, which are based on applicable laws and the safety and emotional needs of the children. In this spirit of mutual respect the parties are encouraged to focus on the self-esteem of each other and the value of the relationship they have with each child.

Advantages of the Collaborative Approach:

• You Retain Control. You and your partner retain confidential control of the divorce process in the interest of mutual respect and in the interest of maintaining and strengthening the parental bonds with your children, especially at a time that is stressful and uncertain for them.

• You Benefit from Professional Guidance. You and your partner work under the guidance of a licensed attorney and a licensed marriage & family therapist to reach agreeable compromises and agreeable solutions on property division, distribution of assets and on custody, child-care and visitation issues.

• You Avoid Court. You and your partner avoid a formal court trial and the public embarrassments and humiliations that often accompany court appearances.

• You Save Time and Money. With professional guidance, you and your partner move quickly through a structured process in the interest of reaching quick mutual decisions and workable solutions on the important issues of your divorce. You save time by avoiding court, and you save money by minimizing and containing costs: no court costs; reduced attorney fees; and no consultation fees for other consulting professionals that are part of the traditional court and legal process.

• You Own Your Solutions. Negotiating your own compromises and reaching solutions to your needs and concerns requires judgment, insight and responsibility. Through your responsibility you create long, enduring and satisfying solutions to the legal and family matters related to your divorce. Beyond that, your children, who are always watching, will forever respect both parents for settling their differences in a respectful and dignified way. That respect will become an important model for them as they grow and develop into their own maturity.

The Collaborative Approach is an effective way to help divorcing couples meet their needs and objectives and to be able to do so without “destroying the other party.” The collaborative process rests on three fundamental principles: